THE TRUTH ABOUT INSECURITY

“We can never know who or what we are
until we know at least something
of what God is.” -A.W. Tozer

Our view of God is our lens for life. It affects everything: how we treat our sin, how we view our circumstances, how we handle our problems, how we determine our priorities, and most of all, what we think about ourselves. Now that we know the truth about God, it is imperative that we look at how the truth about Him should impact what we believe about ourselves.

By default, we tend to think more highly of ourselves than we ought. And when we have an elevated view of self, we can be guilty of placing ourselves over God which can be evidenced by the way that we determine what is true: what we think and feel, or what God says. This includes what we believe about ourselves.

Deep down inside, all of us struggle with self-worth. We tend to tell ourselves things such as…

I’m not valuable. I’m not enough. I’ve gone too far, failed too many times. There’s too much history. I can’t get back from this.

​Insecurity is not a new struggle. It has been going on for generations, and I would say it’s one that began way back in the Garden of Eden. And I would also say that it affects us more often than we’d like to think and goes deeper than we’d like to admit.
 

THE EVIDENCE OF INSECURITY

Some of us immediately recognize our insecurities. But I think there are some who may not realize they are wrestling with insecurity because it doesn’t always look like they expect it to look. So let’s pause for a moment to consider the ways insecurity can be revealed in our lives.

Insecurity shows itself when we are timid and shy and afraid to say what needs to be said in any given situation, because what if they don’t like it? Or they don’t like me for saying it?

Or it can show itself when we dominate the conversation with our opinions rather than letting others share, and if they do share, criticizing their opinions in an attempt to make them look inferior.
 
Insecurity shows itself when we throw ourselves at guy after guy after guy… hoping this one will be THE one that will finally make us feel loved, accepted, and valuable.

Or it can show itself in having too high of a standard in our relationships because we’re afraid to let anyone get too close and see the real us and it’s easier to push people away and blame them for not being good enough than it is take the risk that they might say the same of us.
 
Insecurity shows itself when, after a co-worker offers a simple suggestion to improve the way we approach our work, we isolate, feel sorry for ourselves, and tell others she snapped at us, was angry at us, and doesn’t like us.

Or it can show itself when we respond in anger to the person making the suggestion, lashing out at them for their perceived interference.
 
Insecurity shows itself when we isolate, put up walls, and stay away from anyone who might be able to break through and actually love us.

Or it can show itself when we surround ourselves with as many people as possible, as we show off in an attempt to be the center of attention and life of the party.
 
And so we learn that insecurity shows itself in two very different ways: the obvious one where we come across fearful and shy, with an under-inflated sense of worth, and the not so obvious one where we come across arrogant and overly confident, with an over-inflated sense of worth.

It can be difficult to imagine an overly confident person being insecure, but the fact is that deep down inside, the person who comes across the most inflated is often the most insecure.

Both of these reactions reveal a root that must be severed and replaced in our hearts, and that root is pride.

Why do we cower when the spotlight is on us?

Why do we attempt to control the conversation?

Why do we hide from people?

Why do we want attention?

​Because we care too much what other people think of us.
 

THE RESULT OF INSECURITY

How did we get here? Why do we want other people to like us, love us, accept us?

Sometimes it’s because of our family history. Sometimes it’s because of what other people have said to us and about us. Sometimes it’s our current circumstances that are overwhelming us. Sometimes it’s simply our own sinful choices that have led us to the conclusion that we are unworthy and unlovable.

These things culminate and leave us in pain because they injure our pride. We want to be more than this. We want to be better than this. And when we fail, or when others say we’ve failed, we take it too far and begin to dwell on our failures, our circumstances, the words of others, and our own emotions rather than the Truth of God’s Word.

In pain, we reach for relief. For some, relief is in the form of a romantic relationship. For others, it could be food. Sometimes we over-compensate and try to prove ourselves better than them, better than that, but the pressure is high and inevitably we fail again.

One of the most dangerous things we could ever do is base our worth on the opinions of others, because when we don’t feel validated by the people in our lives, we are easily overtaken by depression, anxiety, fear, and a desperation to find a way to get approval, love, and affection from them until we find ourselves doing things we never thought we would.

Doesn’t this fit the description of idolatry we talked about a few weeks ago? Anytime we need something from someone else, it reveals an idol. In this case, the idol is the need to be accepted by those around us.

When we place ourselves at the mercy of others, it’s only a matter of time before we are destroyed by them. When we carry insecurity with us, it’s obvious. And unfortunately, it can make us a target to people who, in turn, want something from us. At best, this can lead to codependent relationships. At worst, it leads to abusive relationships 
​

THE CURE FOR INSECURITY

Insecurity is devastating. And contrary to popular psychology, teaching, and even preaching, the solution is not in learning to love and accept yourself. 

The problem, as we have begun to see, is that we DO love ourselves – in many cases, we love ourselves too much. How do I know this? Because our love of self has led to needing the love of others – when we feel pain, when we feel alone, and when we feel a lack, we prove our love of self when we search for a solution in the people around us.

The problem is that when we go to the wrong place, when we take the wrong advice, we end up feeling worse instead of better. The truth is that no matter how hard we try to prove something, no matter how hard we try to manipulate, no matter how much we let the other person get their way, we never get what we want; we only feel worse instead of better. And no matter how much we attempt to talk ourselves up, tell ourselves how much we love ourselves, and ultimately, no matter how much we indulge ourselves, we never feel any better.

Our desire to love ourselves when we feel empty and alone leads us to seek it from others and ourselves rather than the only One who can truly love us, accept us, and treasure us: God.

We must find our validation, worth, and acceptance from God, not others.

When I make choices on how to act, what to say, and who to be based on the opinions of others, I reveal that I care more about other people than God. Instead, I must learn to act on what God says about me and let His opinion be all that matters. When I am confident of His love and acceptance, I can choose obedience to Him, even if means there are people in my life who may not understand, who may disregard or dismiss me, or may even attack me, for doing the right thing.

We cannot fill ourselves with ourselves. The more we try, the more isolated we become, the fewer friends we have, and the more alone we feel. No one wants to be around someone who is consumed with self, regardless if that expresses itself through the over-inflated side of pride, where the person is condescending, only talks about themselves, and is a know-it-all, or if it’s the under-inflated side of pride, where the person is depressed, discouraged, indulging in self-pity, and only looking for others to step in and tell them they’re wrong about themselves.

And we cannot fill ourselves with others, because they are people with sinful natures who will always resort to selfishness. They cannot offer the acceptance, approval, and unconditional love that we long for because they are searching for it themselves. We must learn to let people be people and God be God. When we do this, we can learn to live in the love of God and then share love we’ve received from Him with the people in our lives without strings, without expectations, and regardless of the response.  

Instead of finding our worth in others or in ourselves, we must surrender our pride, surrender our need for validation from the people in our lives, or from ourselves, and instead choose to find our identity in Christ, accepting God’s assessment of us.

BELIEVING GOD

If we really want to be secure, we must learn what God says about us, and we must choose to believe it, even when we don’t feel it. 
​

See what great love the Father has lavished on us,
that we should be called children of God!
​And that is what we are!
1 John 3:1

When you are a child of God, there is nothing that can change that. Accept it and be certain of it! God does not change. You don’t have to perform to keep His love. God loves you because of who He is, not who you are, and there is nothing you can do to change that. Just accept it!
​
If we are going to live in the confidence of who we are in Christ, we must know who we are in Christ. And we will learn to know who we are in Christ as we spend time with Him, in prayer and in His word.

It is vital to spend time studying the Scriptures when it comes to overcoming insecurity. As we spend time in His word, God will reveal Himself to us. There are so many promises for us as His children! We must learn truth, dwell on the truth, and believe the truth. 

Truths such as...
​

• God calls you His child and heir: 

​Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name,
he gave the right to become children of God--
John 1:12

So you are no longer a slave, but God’s child;
and since you are his child, God has made you also an heir.
Galatians 4:7

• God calls you forgiven, healed, and redeemed:

​Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all his benefits--
who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things 
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
Psalm 103:2-5

In him we have redemption through his blood, 
the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with
the riches of God’s grace
Ephesians 1:7

 Therefore, there is now no condemnation 
​for those who are in Christ Jesus
Romans 8:1

• God calls you new:

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:
The old has gone, the new is here!
2 Corinthians 5:1

• God calls you free:

"So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed."
John 8:36
​

• God calls you chosen:

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood,
a holy nation, God’s special possession,
that you may declare the praises of him who called you
out of darkness into his wonderful light.
1 Peter 2:

• God calls you friend:

“I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not
know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends,
for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.”
​–John 15:15

• God calls you loved:

 BUT GOD DEMONSTRATES HIS OWN LOVE FOR US IN THIS:
WHILE WE WERE STILL SINNERS, CHRIST DIED FOR US.
ROMANS 5:8
​
BUT BECAUSE OF HIS GREAT LOVE FOR US, GOD, WHO IS RICH IN MERCY,
MADE US ALIVE WITH CHRIST EVEN WHEN WE WERE DEAD IN TRANSGRESSIONS--
IT IS BY GRACE YOU HAVE BEEN SAVED.
EPHESIANS 2:4-5

When we’re committed to believing God over how we feel, then we can respond differently to the difficulties of life that threaten to undo us.

When I feel rejected, I can remember that God has accepted me, so I can forgive and show kindness to the ones who hurt me.

When I feel unlovable because I’ve failed yet again, I can remember that God has promised to forgive me and restore me because He loves me, so I can find the courage to repent of my sin and leave it behind me as I get back up and move forward.  

When I feel alone, I can remember that God has called me His child and promised never to leave me or forsake me, so I can look for ways to love others with the love I’ve been given.

When I feel like I’m not enough and I can’t do enough, I can remember that God has done the work and He is enough, so I can trust in His grace and take one step at a time as He helps me through.
​
And when the past comes back to haunt me, I can remember that God calls me new, clean, holy, pure, and righteous, so I can reject the guilt and remember that I’ve been forgiven and made clean.
 

THE FREEDOM OF BEING LOVED

When we learn to live in God’s love for and acceptance of us, we can stop being controlled by our need for acceptance from others. The result is that instead of trying to get something from our interactions from others (acceptance, approval, love), we can instead begin to give.

We can give love.

We can give approval.

We can give acceptance.

We can take the risk of love because we are loved.

When we belong to God, nothing and no one can destroy us, devalue us, or demean us.

Not because of who we are, but because of Whose we are.
​
Let’s live it out in humility, generosity, and love.