Another lesson that my dad taught me about surrender had to do with relationships. None of these lessons I’ve been sharing have been easy, but this one was particularly difficult for me. And unfortunately, it’s one I’ve had to learn many times over. 
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The first time I remember wrestling through surrender was when I was 14 years old. I went through a phase of immense fear, and it was almost entirely related to losing my parents and being alone. It eventually got to the point where I wasn’t even able to sleep, because I’d face dreams of losing my parents, or I’d be terrified something would happen to them overnight.

None of this was rational, obviously. But fear never is.

When my dad realized what was happening, he sat me down to talk about it, as any good father would. But instead of reassurances about it all being in my head, or promises that nothing would happen, he instead challenged me with this: what if the worst did happen?

In my fear, I wanted guarantees – don’t we all? - but my dad’s question stopped me in my tracks.

“If the worst happens,” he said, “will you still trust God?”

I didn’t know how to answer at first. At this point, I had not connected my fears with my relationship with God. What my dad was wisely pointing out is that my fear was not nearly as tied to him and my mom as I thought it was; rather, my fear was that God was not good, loving, or trustworthy.

“If you don’t decide now that God is good and that you can trust him,” he explained, “then if or when something bad does happen, you will fall apart.”

My dad then brought my struggles back to the start of my relationship with God. Was I sincere? Did I really surrender my life to Christ? If so, this was just the next step. God was calling me to act on what I’d said by trusting Him to care for my parents and for me, regardless of what that would end up looking like. 

“If you wait to decide,” my dad challenged me, “then you’ll decide wrong.”

It was time to act on what I knew to be true, rather than what I felt could be true: God is good. God loves me. God loves my parents. God is in control. Even if the worst happens, these things are still true and God will help me through.
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Our view of God is our lens for life. It affects everything: how we treat our sin, how we view our circumstances, how we handle our problems, how we determine our priorities, and most of all, what we think about ourselves. Now that we know the truth about God, it is imperative that we look at how the truth about Him should impact what we believe about ourselves.

By default, we tend to think more highly of ourselves than we ought. And when we have an elevated view of self, we can be guilty of placing ourselves over God which can be evidenced by the way that we determine what is true: what we think and feel, or what God says. This includes what we believe about ourselves.

Deep down inside, all of us struggle with self-worth. We tend to tell ourselves things such as…

I’m not valuable. I’m not enough. I’ve gone too far, failed too many times. There’s too much history. I can’t get back from this.

​Insecurity is not a new struggle. It has been going on for generations, and I would say it’s one that began way back in the Garden of Eden. And I would also say that it affects us more often than we’d like to think and goes deeper than we’d like to admit.
 

Some of us immediately recognize our insecurities. But I think there are some who may not realize they are wrestling with insecurity because it doesn’t always look like they expect it to look. So let’s pause for a moment to consider the ways insecurity can be revealed in our lives.

Insecurity shows itself when we are timid and shy and afraid to say what needs to be said in any given situation, because what if they don’t like it? Or they don’t like me for saying it?

Or it can show itself when we dominate the conversation with our opinions rather than letting others share, and if they do share, criticizing their opinions in an attempt to make them look inferior.
 
Insecurity shows itself when we throw ourselves at guy after guy after guy… hoping this one will be THE one that will finally make us feel loved, accepted, and valuable.

Or it can show itself in having too high of a standard in our relationships because we’re afraid to let anyone get too close and see the real us and it’s easier to push people away and blame them for not being good enough than it is take the risk that they might say the same of us.
 
Insecurity shows itself when, after a co-worker offers a simple suggestion to improve the way we approach our work, we isolate, feel sorry for ourselves, and tell others she snapped at us, was angry at us, and doesn’t like us.

Or it can show itself when we respond in anger to the person making the suggestion, lashing out at them for their perceived interference.
 
Insecurity shows itself when we isolate, put up walls, and stay away from anyone who might be able to break through and actually love us.

Or it can show itself when we surround ourselves with as many people as possible, as we show off in an attempt to be the center of attention and life of the party.
 
And so we learn that insecurity shows itself in two very different ways: the obvious one where we come across fearful and shy, with an under-inflated sense of worth, and the not so obvious one where we come across arrogant and overly confident, with an over-inflated sense of worth.

It can be difficult to imagine an overly confident person being insecure, but the fact is that deep down inside, the person who comes across the most inflated is often the most insecure.

Both of these reactions reveal a root that must be severed and replaced in our hearts, and that root is pride.

Why do we cower when the spotlight is on us?

Why do we attempt to control the conversation?

Why do we hide from people?

Why do we want attention?

​Because we care too much what other people think of us.
 

How did we get here? Why do we want other people to like us, love us, accept us?

Sometimes it’s because of our family history. Sometimes it’s because of what other people have said to us and about us. Sometimes it’s our current circumstances that are overwhelming us. Sometimes it’s simply our own sinful choices that have led us to the conclusion that we are unworthy and unlovable.

These things culminate and leave us in pain because they injure our pride. We want to be more than this. We want to be better than this. And when we fail, or when others say we’ve failed, we take it too far and begin to dwell on our failures, our circumstances, the words of others, and our own emotions rather than the Truth of God’s Word.

In pain, we reach for relief. For some, relief is in the form of a romantic relationship. For others, it could be food. Sometimes we over-compensate and try to prove ourselves better than them, better than that, but the pressure is high and inevitably we fail again.

One of the most dangerous things we could ever do is base our worth on the opinions of others, because when we don’t feel validated by the people in our lives, we are easily overtaken by depression, anxiety, fear, and a desperation to find a way to get approval, love, and affection from them until we find ourselves doing things we never thought we would.

Doesn’t this fit the description of idolatry we talked about a few weeks ago? Anytime we need something from someone else, it reveals an idol. In this case, the idol is the need to be accepted by those around us.

When we place ourselves at the mercy of others, it’s only a matter of time before we are destroyed by them. When we carry insecurity with us, it’s obvious. And unfortunately, it can make us a target to people who, in turn, want something from us. At best, this can lead to codependent relationships. At worst, it leads to abusive relationships 
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Insecurity is devastating. And contrary to popular psychology, teaching, and even preaching, the solution is not in learning to love and accept yourself. 

The problem, as we have begun to see, is that we DO love ourselves – in many cases, we love ourselves too much. How do I know this? Because our love of self has led to needing the love of others – when we feel pain, when we feel alone, and when we feel a lack, we prove our love of self when we search for a solution in the people around us.

The problem is that when we go to the wrong place, when we take the wrong advice, we end up feeling worse instead of better. The truth is that no matter how hard we try to prove something, no matter how hard we try to manipulate, no matter how much we let the other person get their way, we never get what we want; we only feel worse instead of better. And no matter how much we attempt to talk ourselves up, tell ourselves how much we love ourselves, and ultimately, no matter how much we indulge ourselves, we never feel any better.

Our desire to love ourselves when we feel empty and alone leads us to seek it from others and ourselves rather than the only One who can truly love us, accept us, and treasure us: God.

We must find our validation, worth, and acceptance from God, not others.

When I make choices on how to act, what to say, and who to be based on the opinions of others, I reveal that I care more about other people than God. Instead, I must learn to act on what God says about me and let His opinion be all that matters. When I am confident of His love and acceptance, I can choose obedience to Him, even if means there are people in my life who may not understand, who may disregard or dismiss me, or may even attack me, for doing the right thing.

We cannot fill ourselves with ourselves. The more we try, the more isolated we become, the fewer friends we have, and the more alone we feel. No one wants to be around someone who is consumed with self, regardless if that expresses itself through the over-inflated side of pride, where the person is condescending, only talks about themselves, and is a know-it-all, or if it’s the under-inflated side of pride, where the person is depressed, discouraged, indulging in self-pity, and only looking for others to step in and tell them they’re wrong about themselves.

And we cannot fill ourselves with others, because they are people with sinful natures who will always resort to selfishness. They cannot offer the acceptance, approval, and unconditional love that we long for because they are searching for it themselves. We must learn to let people be people and God be God. When we do this, we can learn to live in the love of God and then share love we’ve received from Him with the people in our lives without strings, without expectations, and regardless of the response.  

Instead of finding our worth in others or in ourselves, we must surrender our pride, surrender our need for validation from the people in our lives, or from ourselves, and instead choose to find our identity in Christ, accepting God’s assessment of us.

If we really want to be secure, we must learn what God says about us, and we must choose to believe it, even when we don’t feel it. 
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When you are a child of God, there is nothing that can change that. Accept it and be certain of it! God does not change. You don’t have to perform to keep His love. God loves you because of who He is, not who you are, and there is nothing you can do to change that. Just accept it!
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If we are going to live in the confidence of who we are in Christ, we must know who we are in Christ. And we will learn to know who we are in Christ as we spend time with Him, in prayer and in His word.

It is vital to spend time studying the Scriptures when it comes to overcoming insecurity. As we spend time in His word, God will reveal Himself to us. There are so many promises for us as His children! We must learn truth, dwell on the truth, and believe the truth. 

Truths such as...
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When we’re committed to believing God over how we feel, then we can respond differently to the difficulties of life that threaten to undo us.

When I feel rejected, I can remember that God has accepted me, so I can forgive and show kindness to the ones who hurt me.

When I feel unlovable because I’ve failed yet again, I can remember that God has promised to forgive me and restore me because He loves me, so I can find the courage to repent of my sin and leave it behind me as I get back up and move forward.  

When I feel alone, I can remember that God has called me His child and promised never to leave me or forsake me, so I can look for ways to love others with the love I’ve been given.

When I feel like I’m not enough and I can’t do enough, I can remember that God has done the work and He is enough, so I can trust in His grace and take one step at a time as He helps me through.
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And when the past comes back to haunt me, I can remember that God calls me new, clean, holy, pure, and righteous, so I can reject the guilt and remember that I’ve been forgiven and made clean.
 

When we learn to live in God’s love for and acceptance of us, we can stop being controlled by our need for acceptance from others. The result is that instead of trying to get something from our interactions from others (acceptance, approval, love), we can instead begin to give.

We can give love.

We can give approval.

We can give acceptance.

We can take the risk of love because we are loved.

When we belong to God, nothing and no one can destroy us, devalue us, or demean us.

Not because of who we are, but because of Whose we are.
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Let’s live it out in humility, generosity, and love.

When I look back on my life and the moments that I believe shaped me into who I am today, I have to admit that those moments were some of the most painful experiences of my life. And yet, God used those times of suffering to make me into the person I am today.

We all have moments in life that define us, and unfortunately, they’re often related to suffering of some kind.

As much as we’d like to think that it’s the mountain top experiences that shape us, that’s rarely the case. Rather, God tends to use the valleys of our lives to grow us, to change us, and to make us into the image of Christ, and it’s those very moments that enable us to experience the joy of the mountain top.

The valley is dark, scary, and painful. Sometimes the suffering is a direct result of our own sinful choices. Sometimes it’s the result of the sinful choices of others. And sometimes it is simply the result of living in a fallen world. Regardless of the cause, the way we respond to resistance, pain, and difficulty reveals what we truly believe in the deepest part of us. In those moments, we are faced with some of the hardest questions we will ever face:

Do I really believe God is good?

Do I really believe God loves me?

Do I really believe God is in control?

Do I really believe God is all I need?
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If you’ve been a Christian for any length of time, you’ve probably heard the saying, “You won’t know God is all you need until God is all you have.”

Unfortunately, it’s a common saying because, for the most part, it’s true. At least, the idea behind it is true. But the phrasing itself lends itself to the idea that you won’t really know if God is enough until you’ve lost everything. And while it’s true that you won’t know it by experience until that point, I’d say that you can know that God is enough before you lose everything. In fact, that’s actually the goal.

If we wait until we experience the loss of what we love to discover if God is enough, we will find that God is not enough. Instead, we must learn how to let God satisfy us in the here and now so that when the times of crisis come, we already know that He will be enough and He will carry us through. Otherwise, when we experience the pain and suffering that is inevitable in life, we will instead turn to ourselves or others to make us feel better, following the path of idolatry we talked about last week.

The fact of the matter is that what you believe in the light is what will be proven in the dark. If you want God to be enough for you then, you must make Him enough now.  
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​Until my own recent struggle, I don’t think I realized just how far-reaching fear can become, not only personally, but how my internal fears can begin to affect my relationships in significant ways. I think we’re all guilty of acting in fear in our relationships – I just think we don’t generally notice until it becomes out of control and is seen more in the results of deep depression, desperate behavior, and a pattern of broken relationships.

​It’s often not too difficult to look back and see where we did things the wrong way, acted in fear, and where things got off track. Unfortunately, it’s much harder to fix the problems when we’ve reached that point. It is not, however, impossible. It simply requires much humility and a determination to let God become our focus rather than people, and let love control our actions, not fear. 

​A call to full-time ministry is really a call to full-time love.

Sometimes that love is easy to give; sometimes not so much.

Sometimes that love looks like a hug, a smile, and an encouraging comment.

Other times it means saying hard things, and drawing a line in the sand.

But it’s always all about love.

It’s about showing God’s love.

Am I the only one? I don’t think I am. I think some of you do it, too. 

We know the word agape and we know it means sacrificial, but we don’t really connect
the dots beyond that. Sure, it costs. But I think I tend to assume that when it’s agape,
I’ll win in the end. And by win, I mean be loved in return. 

I’m discovering that’s not true.

At least, not in the way I tend to want.